Thoughts On American Idol Top 7: Music From The 21st Century

Never failing to impress, J.Lo rocks the most sequined set of pajamas I have ever seen. Let the butchering of fairly current music begin!

Asthon, Karen, Thia, Naima, Pia and Paul – “So What”

All the castoffs, right and wrong, get one surprise shoutalong number. Karen looks good with curly hair. So what if she stole it from Ashton? Anyways, Pia and Paul are the only ones who get decent camera time (though they did last the longest on the show), Naima’s opening note is a wasted opportunity, and I wish Thia (props for showing a little attitude btw) looked right at Steven during the line “and you’re a tool, so,” but I suppose….ah fuck it, this still sucks. Do you see who makes up that group? Imagine if that sing-off happened one week earlier!

Scotty McCreery – “Swingin’”

Again I concede I’m ignorant of most country music, but I did not know LeAnn Rimes had a music career after 2000. The way Scotty comes down the stage is especially smarmy and smug. At this point it’s beyond George W. At best he’s like a silent film actor who has to be extra expressive since sound recording wasn’t invented yet. At worst he’s like an inexperienced poser actor auditioning for a Fool part in a play by Shakespeare. Vocally Scotty is coasting and it shows in his face. He may have had fun with it but there was no challenge in that performance. He can do better.

James Durbin – “Uprising”

Why is James dressed like a priest or a bad Bond-style Communist? (Though he does quickly correct with a Mad Max-inspired military jacket.) Backed by a drumline and a surprisingly close facsimile of the original Muse arrangement, James initially comes on strong and shows control. Then by the second chorus James tries to do falsetto pyrotechnics and the whole thing falls apart. Otherwise I’m gonna borrow from my review of Haley’s performance last week:

–        “There’s a subtle, desperate passion in the [Muse] original that hits you hard and gets your heart racing. I just wasn’t feeling it in the performance.”

–        “I appreciate [James] trying something fun and risky (go fuck yourself, Randy), but you know what they say about good intentions….”

Seriously, whose idea was it to up the octave? All bleat and no punch – you disappoint me, James. There are thousands of Guitar Hero players who could do better.

Haley Reinhart – “Rolling In The Deep”

Rocking a gorgeous red polka-dot dress, Haley tries to get keep her soul train running and it kind of works until her growly mugging tendencies take over and her reach exceeds her grasp. She’d do a lot better if she didn’t sing from her throat so much like it’s the last 30 minutes of karaoke night at the bar. All the emotion goes out the window when she tries to “perform,” which is kind of sad both because you do not want to lose the emotion when covering Adele and because I was beginning to think that she was growing as a singer and a performer.

Jacob Lusk – “Dance With My Father”

How come no one dings Jacob for singing too many ballads? On the surface this performance sounds fine enough, but right underneath there’s a constellation of failure. Right off the bat Jacob forgets the words, he quavers like a bad Aaron Neville impersonator, and he comes across as dumpy as James can be at his worst. The emotion itself is fine and it’s a shame that the backing track fucked up on him, but I really wish the judges wouldn’t be so damn nice to everyone. Emotion is important in performance, but so is the ability to translate that emotion into a gripping performance.

Casey Abrams – “Harder To Breathe (“Please Don’t Put A Hit On Me, Marc Anthony Mix)”

I’m not a fan of the acoustic intro. It made no sense for Casey’s fast, growly vocal style. Once the main music kicked in the song rocked hard enough, but Casey was still a little too screechy and menacing (especially at the end). The power walking during the verses was also a little awkward. He should have stuck to rocking out with the axemen or dropped the guitar altogether and got his swagger on. The ending made me uncomfortable when he took the menace to the max and got uncomfortably close to J.Lo. I hoped he had a mint and I hoped she had pepper spray. She seemed to take it all in good stride and Steven Tyler dropped a shit ton of f-bombs (at least that’s what it seemed like) in praise of Casey’s performance style.

Stefano Langone – “Closer”

(Ah shit, Jimmy Iovine raided Michael Jackson’s estate; that is an awfully familiar red leather jacket)Wow! An uptempo number for Stefano! Stefano sang all the notes right and even tried to dance a little (and not enough to deserve praise for it), but he totally lost the meaning of the song. The snarls and arm pumping and attempted swagger – it came across as inappropriately cocksure. The thing I’ve gathered from Ne-Yo’s music, especially this song, is that his best work evokes a kind of vulnerability. Listen to the lyrics: the singer is powerless but he kind of likes it. He might be an alpha otherwise, but the attraction to the subject has knocked him off his game and it’s amazing. Stefano never picked up on the helplessness in the song, and I partially blame Jimmy Iovine’s ham-fisted interpretation during the mentor session for this failure. Fuck you, Jimmy Iovine. You’re nothing but a tool!

Lauren Alaina – “Born To Fly”

Lauren is well dressed tonight. Her outfit is very teenage country, and that’s cool because she’s a teen doing pop country. Her singing is solid, she came across as very earnest but still kinda professional, and it felt like she was connected to the material. Even her vocal run fit with the song, unlike a lot of the performances tonight. Good for her.

Tonight was very disappointing. Based on tonight’s performances, I can’t imagine commercial recordings from any of these assholes except Lauren and maybe Casey. I apologize for jacking a Cowellism, but too many of these performances were between bad karaoke and orgies of manic shouting.

Top 3 Performances

1. Ryan Seacrest, because his off-the-cuff comments were hilarious tonight
2. Lauren Alaina
3. Um, Casey Abrams? Maybe? I dunno. It was good, I guess, Dawg.

Bottom 3 Performances

1. Jacob Lusk
2. Stefano Langone
3. James Durbin

Thoughts On American Idol Top 12: Elimination

Notes

Steven Tyler’s sparkly wizard coat looks like something he stole from Ethel Merman’s bedroom closet. The other standout moment came when Seacrest told everyone to look under their chairs. “EVERYONE GETS AN AMERICAN IDOL A 10^TH ANNIVERSARY COMPILATION CD!” I don’t believe I’ve seen this show channel Oprah before. Oh, and Pitbull is in the audience. He salvages diamonds from every dance pop lump of coal.

There is a group performance….

It’s a mashup medley!

Born To Be Wild + Born This Way

Lessons:

• You know, if the producers really wanted to live up to the spirit of either song, they wouldn’t have gender-segregated the vocal parts like they did. Having someone like Lauren cover “Born This Way” just feels wrong to me. And Casey was up there for maybe 3 seconds. He of all people should get some mic time.
• That said, Paul’s bar room performance style paid off here, as he looked to be the most comfortable guy on stage.
• The same could be said for Naima. Her free spirit and musical sensibilities give her the feel for modern dance pop.
• Thus it really fits that the two would be paired off when everyone finally came together to sing the “Born This Way” chorus. Those two looked genuinely happy to be on stage.

Ford music video “Val Kilmer”

Did I read that title right? Like the guy who’s in trouble for not paying taxes? It’s movie themed! Paul totally made sense as the villain with his hand on the remote bomb. Stefano would totally dump Karen for Haley. He has poor taste in music, so he might as well have poor taste in dates.

Lee DeWyze – “Beautiful Like You”

Over some warmed-over Onerepublic reject backing track, the guy who won last season bleats like a goat. The song reaches a moderate crescendo halfway through, but otherwise this sounds like every other pop-rock ballad on the radio, except for the most part it stays in first gear. How the hell did this guy win again?

Bottom 3 (Announced in 5 rounds)

1. Haley Reinhart (Bahahaha nobody likes her! She’s taking it with sarcastic aplomb)
2. Naima Adedapo (Pity. She’s the most interesting contestant on the show.)
3. Karen Rodriguez (No love for the ladies. She had potential but she sang the same song every week.)

Black Eyed Peas – “Just Can’t Get Enough”

Did Fergie quit the band? That singer does not look like her. If that singer is Fergie, what happened? Meanwhile Will.I.Am continues to rock the metallic hairpiece he wore during the Super Bowl. Then Taboo gets mic time – substantial mic time – and he makes the most of it. He showed the most energy of any Pea on that stage. This makes me very happy. Apl.De.Ap gets to jump on the mic after the song abruptly switches to a robotic shuffle backing track that makes no sense in context with the piano+beats slow jam that was most of the song.

Final results

Karen is out! She just kept on doing the same boring song. That she sang 33% of every song en Español kept her interesting, but it was not enough to make her stand out from the sea of saccharine balladeers that make up most of this show’s top 12. Be that as it may, she had a bit of hungry desperation and passion during her final sing off of “Hero” that had me seeing that spark again. She had a good run.

Thoughts On American Idol Top 12: The Year You Were Born

Yeeaaooww! Stephen Tyler is dressed in super late 60s gear, like some rich entitled boomer. Also, it might be from the ladies’ department – the old ladies’ department. We also see that Casey is still alive, much to my relief!

The week’s theme allowed for a lot of possibilities: contestants must play songs from the years they were born. I suspect a lot of people watching this episode felt really old.

Naima Adedapo – “What’s Love Got to Do with It” (1984)

This is a good song. Her arrangement stuck to the original with a little bit of punched up drumming. If she wasn’t hiding behind the backup singers she might have kicked it out like Tina Turner both with the belting and the little vocal asides (of which we know Naima is capable of doing from last week). Otherwise it just feels like a good game of Singstar Legends. She’s good, but she can be better. If she parlays a career out of her stint on this show, hopefully she’ll get with a producer who can process her voice well or build beats to fit her range.

Paul McDonald – “Also What’s Love Got to Do with It I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” (1984)

He’s singing really thinly. More so than normal. It’s revealed he is a little under the weather. Hopefully he isn’t the harbinger of a strep throat epidemic. Is Chris Klein one of his backup singers? Despite his limited pipes, Paul is mainly on key. His stage moves aren’t nearly as drunk as they have been the past few weeks, which is kind of appropriate give the more mellow nature of the song. Randy calls him an ingénue.

Thia Megia – “Colors Of The Wind” (1995)

And now I feel old! If they could get the rights to the Beatles catalog, I suppose it makes sense that they could get the rights this Disney ballad. The way she is dressed and her hair is styled, Thia is a blue necklace and a raccoon away from Pocahontas cosplay. Her voice is overwhelmed by the band, yet again, and her smiling is inappropriate for the passion and wonder that’s in the film version of the song. The judges are getting more critical now, as Lopez really goes to town on Thia. Stephen brings out the old chestnut “is this song who you are?”

James Durbin – “I’ll Be There For You” (1989)

Other than the off key start, James has one of his best performances on the show. He looks like he’s having a good time vamping up the crowd and coming out of his shell more, which also makes him more fun to watch. He’s sticking to the lower end of his range, building up to the cannon towards the end. He is taking the lessons of Adam Lambert to heart and I appreciate this. His performance was good enough to get Tyler to swear and get bleeped.

Haley Reinhart – “I’m Your Baby Tonight” (1990)

I would have liked to hear her parents’ singing more in the intro montage, just to see if her mush mouth is genetic. Her outfit is tres hiddy (just because you’re singing 1990 doesn’t mean you have to dress like it’s 1990), but at least she’s enunciating more this performance. Her voice is thin and a little husky, so picking a Whitney Houston song may not have been the best choice for her, though it is a more downtempo song so she kind of held her own. Her makeup gets a little messed up at the end of the song, so she gets Seacrest to help clean her up at the end which is a really nice thing to do.

Stefano Langone – “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” (1989)

He mentions all these great dance pop and R&B songs in his intro that would have been fucking AWESOME for him to cover (especially New Kids On  The Block’s “The Right Stuff”), but he picks some boring, snoozy ballad with a straightforward arrangement, so it’s no surprise that boring old Randy loves it. He’s technically on, but it’s no fun at all.

Pia Toscano – “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” (1988)

Pia’s mutant power is belting. Seriously, that video of her singing and hitting the notes as a little kid is uncanny like X-Men. Her baggy white onesie of an outfit is worse than Haley’s. Her song choice is a little more upbeat than what we have been hearing so far, and unlike Haley she actually has the chops to take on the Houston. She rocks the song.

Scotty McCreery Bush III – “Can I Trust You with My Heart” (1993)

From his montage, I totally could see this kid as an Elvis impersonator when he grows up. His performance is still full of that George W. Smirk but it doesn’t seem as annoying. There’s a little more passion this time. I have to give him points for having backup singer support and still managing to stand out on his own. He even builds to a belt at the end and it works! I think this partially because as he grows as a singer and lives up to his potential, he gets more serious and less “heh heh tacos rule!” Lopez also complements Scotty on expanding his singing range.

Karen Rodriguez – “Love Will Lead You Back” (1989)

Her rhinestone dress, knee-high boots, big earrings, and bigger hair make her look like Judy Jetson. I just wish she’d pick something a little more uptempo, especially given her wardrobe choice. Her singing was solid, but it just didn’t leave me feeling anything.

Casey Abrams – “Smells Like Teen Spirit” (1991)

Finally, something new! This song is practically classic rock by now, so it’s a fairly safe choice. Still, Casey shows guts. That he rocked the coiled stance instead of a wider power stance and had a little horn section in the song’s outro is proof of that. Also, this has been the most enunciated version of the song since Tori Amos covered it. So often when “rocker” Idol contestants perform newer stuff they do Staind or Fuel or Creed, which is more “nu grunge” or “post grunge” or “shitty grunge.” Go Casey!

Lauren Alaina – “I’m The Only One” (1994)

Iovine sounded angry at her during the montage. I think she made a good song choice tonight. She doesn’t have the growl of Melissa Ethridge, but at least she wasn’t smiling the whole time. She channeled her drawl a little bit and kicked it out with a modicum of passion. The Chosen One kind of made good tonight.

Jacob Lusk – “Alone” (1987)

I agree with Iovine’s comment that Jacob is making a good move taking on a power ballad. I just didn’t care for his near constant full-power singing. I dinged James for it the past few weeks and I’m dinging him for it now. Show some range and control, dude. The emotion was there but Jacob was off the rails until the end. If he keeps stepping out like this he’ll recapture some of the goodwill from earlier in the season.

Top 3 Performances

1. Casey Abrams
2. James Durbin
3. Pia Toscano

Bottom 3 Performances

1. Thia Megia
2. Stefano Langone
3. Karen Rodriguez

This week was interesting for me because other than Casey’s home run I found myself liking performances from contestants I’ve rooted against. I also found myself down on contestants who have been past favorites. That’s a bummer because it means this season’s contestants are very inconsistent this season, but it keeps things exciting!

Thoughts On American Idol Top 13: Elimination

Notes

J. Lo’s dress makes her look like either she has a tumor on her arm or she was really working out that one arm but not the other one. Also, the judges’ save rule is in (and they probably won’t use it until week 4 or 5 when people finally tire of Lauren Alaina’s antics)!

There is a group performance….

It’s a Michael Jackson medley!

Wanna Be Startin’ Something / Rock With You / Black Or White / Man In The Mirror

Lessons:

• James can’t dance
• Jacob should have done MJ (good uptempo MJ) last night
• Thia is sooooooooooo out of her league again! How in the hell is she here?
• The only time Haley was featured was during “Man In The Mirror,” which I now associate with a half-assed, histrionic attempt at “redemption” by petulant, abusive hyperass Chris Brown. There’s no lesson here, just a lot of fail.
• Stefano should do this kind of pop R&B all the time. He was fun to watch. I think I’m starting to get his deal.

Ford music video “The World”

Well that was a whole lot of empty bombast and fodder.

Adam Lambert – “Aftermath (Unplugged Version)”

You see that, James? That’s how you use your volume. This cut was restrained and subtle for the most part, but Lambert also built to the cannon parts for the chorus. It’s the crescendo, Charlie Brown. He actually made some big changes for this version of the song, which on For Your Entertainment was a symphonic power ballad.  I love that guy!

Bottom 3 (and announced in fairly quick succession)

1. Karen Rodriguez (kinda sad)
2. Ashthon Jones (yay!)
3. Haley Reinhart (score!)

Diddy Dirty Money “Coming Home”

Notice how the piano track came in after Skylar Gray (?) stopped playing the keys? Oops. She got no love during the filming. The stage lights faded out on her while she was on camera and her walk out to the stage after the song was delayed and felt forced. Diddy is still a terrible rapper. His flow is barely competent and he sounds hoarse and out of breath. They should have given the two women (who must be Dirty Money) more face time. I still feel that Diddy should have been a judge this season. He would have been way blunter in his criticisms.

Final results

Ashthon is out! Eh, she didn’t have the votes to make it into the top ten anyway and she’s been a disappointment since the Top 24. That she chose to re-sing the Diana Ross song that got her kicked off was just icing on the cake.

Thoughts On American Idol Top 13: Your Personal Idol

Image from Celebrity Smack

Now the main part of the show begins! Gosh, it feels like this show has gone on forever. Seacrest congratulates Lopez for her single going #1 on iTunes. That’s why she’s on this show!

In place of weekly celebrity “mentors,” the show’s mentor this season is Jimmy Iovine, all decked out in his Beats by Dr. Dre gear. I know, Dre is an Interscope employee, but Jimmy looks like such a tool in that ensemble. Time has not been kind to his face. This is what you get for decades of drug use. The contestants also work with Interscope-established producers like Don Was, Rodney Jerkins, and Rock Mafia for the studio arrangements. They still have to perform the songs live with the shitty house band (who are really pushed offstage this season compared to past seasons).

The week’s theme was quite vague: contestants must sing songs by their “idols.” I don’t like these vague categories. They allow the contestants too much freedom to flaunt their terrible tastes.

Lauren Alaina – “Any Man Of Mine”

The Chosen One kicks things off with a straightforward cover of the Shania classic. For singing such a nice, breezy song she sure looks stiff out there on stake. Her backup singers look to be a pair of blonde 14-year olds. What is up with these Disney Channel theatrics? At least she was matched by her support team. Her guardian Steven Tyler dings her for not having enough punch. Her reaction to the judges’ criticism is a half-hearted “aw gosh ah am so sorry” in a drawl that is thicker than usual. Bleh!

Casey Abrams – “With A Little Help From My Friends”

During the mentoring rounds we get Iovine giving Casey pointers on how to emulate Joe Cocker. Cut to a clip of Joe Cocker sounding like he’s dying on stage. Casey’s choreography was a little silly, with the backup singers emerging from the stage and all. His emoting is alternately passionate and cloying, though maybe that’s just his sense of humor and overall “can you believe I’m the frontrunner?” schtick. That Cocker clip was a good reference point, as Casey channels those guttural growls for better or worse. Points for accuracy.

Ashthon Jones – “When You Tell Me That You Love Me”

We see Rodney Jerkins do her mentoring/studio round. I have never heard of this Diana Ross song (and neither has Lopez – I guess we’re both fans of her disco records). Her dress emulates the Ross of old with its one-shoulder strap and fabric draping, but her singing falters. I’d be embarrassed to give that performance in front of Berry Gordy. Ashthon knows all the steps to emulate this R&B icon, but she lacks any of the singing power of her competitors. She has the plan, but just can’t execute. She feels like a stand-in for the good singer that should be there.

Paul McDonald – “Come Pick Me Up”

I’ve never heard a Ryan Adams song on the show [update: I lied, Blake Lewis did “Stars Go Blue” in season 6], so that’s kind of different, but that’s as far as it goes. Paul’s scuffed military-inspired outfit looks like a bad approximation of Coldplay circa Viva La Vida. His eyeballs are creepy, his singing is half-assed and bleary, and his inebriated stage moves has me convinced that he did 6-7 shots of tequila backstage right before he went on. He reminds me of certain guys that I (and maybe you) went to school with – pretentious douchey hipsters who fetishized/pretended to be rootsy outsider types (or “I’m so quirky. Quirky, quirky, quirky!”).

Pia Toscano – “All By Myself”

Ah shit, she’s doing Celine. I don’t care for this kind of music and I don’t care what Carl Wilson says. Pia’s performance is clean, assured, and powerful; and her diva arm movements fit right up there with the pros, but damn it’s wasted potential and that train completely detracted from her dress. I still like her, but I was disappointed squarely by song choice since it’s doubtful the scrubs are going to do anything fun.

James Durbin – “Maybe I’m Amazed”

If you idolize Paul McCartney, why do you sing like a speared elephant? The song’s new arrangement with more pronounced “hip-hop” drums is unoriginal, but it peps things up a little. I also give him a few points for trying to slow things down, but he still wails and wails with little regard to the song’s actual meaning. Kathy’s reaction to this performance was a lot of mehs and fart noises.

Haley Reinhart – “Blue”

I’m not familiar with any of the other versions of this song, but Haley’s yodeling moves were kind of neat in that Jewel way. Otherwise Mush Mouth just slurs and mumbles her way through the rest of the song. How else can I describe it? It’s like when you’re playing the singer in Rock Band and you have to sing a song where you don’t know the words. You kind of listen for the vocal track, look at the vocal line and mumble your way through. That’s how Hayley sings all the time. That’s acceptable for playing a video game, but not for performing on national television. I hope it’s game over for Hayley soon.

Jacob Lusk – “I Believe I Can Fly”

We have learned that R. Kelly is Jacob’s idol. Hopefully it’s for the singing and not for the pedophilia. The presence of the gospel choir has Jacob usurping Lauren for that Chosen One spot. The problem is that “I Believe I Can Fly” is such an empty, boring, pappy dirge. A voice with as much color and richness as Jacob’s is better served with a bouncier song. R. Kelly has done plenty of those – “Snake,” “Thoia Thoing,” “Burn It Up,” etc. Failing that, do broadway or the renaissance of uptempo R&B. More wasted potential.

Thia Megia – “Smile”

Of all the MJ songs to pick, of all those all-time great super fun songs that everyone know, she picks the snoozer. Her vibrato and slight voice cracking in the start of the song really did remind me of MJ but by her first real vocal run when the full arrangement kicked in the wheels came off and stayed off for the rest of the song. If you were paying attention last week, the lesson here is that Thia can’t sing with any instruments behind her. She’d sound “more better” on The Sing-Off (or Judge Judy given her malapropisms and grammatical butchery). Crummy arrangement, ugly shoes, and an overall disappointing performance.

Stefano Langone – “Lately”

With Polow Da Don doing the arrangement of this ballad, perhaps we’ll have some fun here. Instead, we get the kind of half-assed disco beats that used to provide the backing to the introduction number of beauty pageants. Relisten to the performance and imagine ladies in tacky dresses walking down the runway. Stefano’s singing is competent and faithful, but his selection of yet another zzz ballad doomed him from the start. He just seems like such a nonentity to me.

Karen Rodriguez – “I Could Fall In Love”

It’s cool seeing a Latina singer really sticking with the music (in this case, Selena) that speaks to the experience of the Latino culture, especially given all the anti-immigrant sentiment you see today. She rocks cultural pride and I respect that. She’s probably one of the more original and authentic contestants. It’s a pity that the monitoring, acoustics, and shitty house band sabotage the song.

Scotty McCreery – “The River”

The George W. comparison continues, as Scotty likes baseball and doing smirks whenever he nails a low note. Taking on Garth Brooks is a good call for him. It’s at least as authentic as Karen’s song choices. He holds his microphone like he’s making a steeple with his hands. He seems kind of manic, almost laughing as he’s singing. Was he doing shots with Paul during the preshow? That’s how Bush this kid is. Paul will introduce him to alcohol, James will introduce him to cocaine, and in a few years he’ll plow his car into a house, prompting an intervention from his family and the local minister followed by a string of failed business ventures until he’s propped up into a run for office and this whole era of our nation’s history will start all over again.

Naima Adedapo – “Umbrella”

And we have current music! And actual dancing! I’m tempted to knock her singing but I’ll refrain since Rihanna would sound about the same live but – holy shit! Is she doing dancehall? Is she toasting like Elephant Man? Oh fuck, she just blew the doors off this competition! Even stodgy old Randy is encouraging her to break it off! Naima is the winner of tonight’s episode, even if she gets voted off.

Top 3 Performances

1. Naima Adedapo
2. Casey Abrams
3. Randy Jackson, because I found myself actually agreeing with a lot of his criticisms.

Bottom 3 Performances

1. Haley Reinhart
2. Paul McDonald
3. Thia Megia

Overall this episode was disappointing. With such a diversity of contestants you would expect to hear fewer crummy slow songs from the early 90s. I’m especially disappointed that Jimmy Iovine, the guy who signs Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga’s paychecks, didn’t nip that boring claptrap in the bud. What a waste.

Thoughts On The Choosing Of American Idol’s Top 13 Contestants

It’s sad when the results show is longer than the performance shows. At the risk of sounding like Abraham “Grampa” Simpson: “Back in my day the results shows were half an hour. You got your vamping, a musical performance or two, and then you got your results. And we liked it!”

First cut made after: 3 montages or over 20 minutes into the show. Seacrest brings the contestants up in groups of two or three.

• Scotty vs. Robbie: The cuts kick off with the country boy vs. the city boy. Hopefully they’ll keep up this pairing of similar contestants. I agree with other recappers that Scotty has a George W. quality about him, though I find him more likable than Bush and maybe that’s because Scotty never had the chance to be the President. Meanwhile, the fourth Jonas brother is told to go sit on the stools in the corner until the wildcard vote. The producers should make the people who have to sit in the corner wear dunce caps.
• Clint vs. Jordan vs. Jovany: Randy gives Clint a great big backhanded complement. Jordan is made to renounce his song choice like a heretic in an inquisition. Both guys are told to sit on the stools in the corner. Jovany is up for another 5 seconds before he is sent packing too.

One perk of DVRing this show is that you can skip the montages! During the women’s confessional montage Steven Tyler confirms that Lauren Alaina is the chosen one and I am reaffirmed in my commitment to root against her. Meanwhile Lauren Turner jokingly threatens to cut American if she is cut and gains a billion points with me.

• Lauren A. vs. Pia: The chosen one is set against the show’s top pro. When Pia is talking, someone shouts “I love you!” Seacrest brings up a Kelly Clarkson tweet that compares Lauren to Kellie Pickler, and from what I recall from Season 5 Kellie came across as pretty stupid on TV. Both are in. The Chosen One still stands. Grr. But Pia, who seems to actually be talented, is still in. If Lauren Alaina is this season’s Kellie Pickler, then Pia Toscano is this season’s Katherine McPhee.
• Tatynisa vs. Julie: Julie is also made to renounce her performance. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Tatynisa is sent to the corner, but she might as well have been expelled from school. Julie is also sent to the stools, but Seacrest reminds her of a possible wildcard save, so take that as you may. Her floofy dress is not as pretty as her past outfits, but it’s still kinda cute.
• Kendra vs. Ashthon vs. Karen: Not a lot of incidence at the start. Ashthon is sent to the stools. Karen is then told she is in, which despite her snoozer of a performance this week, I’m good with. She has potential. Meanwhile Kendra is eliminated, though she’ll be fine. Doesn’t she have the hotel chain to fall back on?
• Jacob vs. Casey vs. Tim: One of these guys is not like the others, one of these guys is mediocre! Jacob is in, no surprise there, and there rejoicing all around. Casey gets the in almost immediately afterward and gets big hugs from Lauren T. and Julie, so dude is in good company. Boring ol’ Tim has to go write “I will acquire a personality” 100 times on the chalkboard on the back of the stage (I wish).
• Thia vs. Naima vs. Lauren T.: Seacrest says that one of the women is in and two are out. Ouch. Naima is down first, but gets the wildcard concession line. Lauren T. is also sent to the corner and I’m really upset now. Every recap I have read placed her at the top or towards the top of the pack after her performance.
• Brett vs. Paul: I still can’t make a call with Brett. Sometimes I admire him for letting his freak flag fly and sometimes I feel like he’s this season’s Sanjaya (quirky and fun, but hit and miss singing-wise). It doesn’t matter, because Paul is in. He looks mostly sober tonight and that’s all I have to say.
• Haley vs. Rachel: Haley takes the “aw shucks” tack while Rachel looks like a brooding goth. Mush Mouth is in and though I’m not surprised I’m still disappointed. Not that Rachel deserved to move forward since despite being one of my top 3 women contestants, she was just not very good last night.
• Stefano vs. James: The thing about James that annoys me the most isn’t his out of control yelping but his perpetual joylessness. I understand channeling your anger and depression into your performance can be a winning strategy, but for me the best bummer artists from Shirley Manson to Trent Reznor to Slug smile every once in awhile. Even if that smile is a sarcastic smirk or a defiant sneer it still forms a connection to the audience. It sends a message that you can win or die trying. This is why Eminem’s current music doesn’t draw me in. All the playfulness of his earlier work has gone away. But I digress. And James is in! It’s as though the show wants to make up for Adam Lambert not winning by pushing this low-grade pretender. We’ll see how they reconcile it with Lauren A.’s preferred status.

The Wildcard Round: The judges pick six singers to choose any song that’s been performed up until now and sing for their life! This is a creative way to stretch things out to the full two hours.

• Ashthon – “And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going,” More tired old schlock they trot out every year. At least Ashthon’s pipes are in high gear tonight and her audacity seems earned. Nice use of the drum role for the last run.
• Stefano – “I Need You Now” I don’t recall hearing this song every year, but basically he’s doing the “sparse arrangement plus a bajillion vocal runs” trick. He looks as though he’s getting kicked in the shins as he sings, but he performs with technical proficiency. He’s more talented than I first gave him credit.
• Kendra – “Georgia On My Mind” The socialite starts out the performance out in the low end of her range, and when she gets to the belting parts she doesn’t sound like she’s on the Jim Henson Company payroll. The screamy run at the end felt tacked on, but I suppose she could have done a lot worse.
• Jovany – “Angel” So he’s bringing back the Spanish lyrics (cool), and the bad karaoke music arrangement (which kicked his ass earlier this week). Did I just see a tear? At least that felt real. J.Lo’s “you did all you could do, baby,” feedback spelled the end for him but let him down easy.

Tatynisa, Julie, Rachel and Lauren T. are out. Lauren T. was the one of the best singers of the top 24 and she was robbed. Robbed I tell you! I didn’t place a lot of faith in her at the start but she won me over. The show is worse for losing her. Good luck on X-Factor.

• Naima – “For All We Know” Naima’s vibrato takes her off the rails. She’s solid, but her pipes are thin.

Clint, Jordan, Tim, and Brett are out. I’m sad to lose Jordan and Brett, who at least was a good sport and went up to the judges to shake hands. You were alright, dude.

• Robbie – “Sorry Seems To be The Hardest Word” He’s in much better step with the band this time, and he’s totally rocking the Archuleta face which is so inappropriate for this song. I actually liked his arrangement. Then I looked up at him. Bleh.

Before the results, we get to see Jennifer Lopez’s new music video. Seacrest is trying to rush things along. It features Pitbull! She’s so heavily processed that it feels unfair to the contestants. The song is catchy and I love the Todd Terry-esque house production, but if the people whom she is judging don’t get the aid of autotune, a talented rapper, or crisp, clean metallic dance beats, why should she? She should have had to perform it live with the shitty house band (who is surpassed only by the Dancing With The Stars house band in terms of sheer ineptitude).

Afterward, the judges reveal their top three. Ashthon gets picked first and fakes a “who me” reaction. Contrast this with Naima, who looks genuinely surprised and excited, or Stefano, who just looks happy.

The Top Thirteen

1. Scotty McCreery
2. Lauren Alaina
3. Pia Toscano
4. Karen Rodriguez
5. Jacob Lusk
6. Casey Abrams
7. Thia Megia
8. Paul McDonald
9. Haley Reinhart
10. James Durbin
11. Ashthon Jones
12. Stefano Langone
13. Naima Adedapo

So right now I’ll be rooting for Pia and Casey for sure, with maybes for Jacob and Karen provided they can have more fun. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Thoughts On American Idol’s Top 12 Women

Note: What the hell was going on with Lopez’s outfit? That dress+boots combo went together like peanut butter and jalapeno peppers. At least Seacrest was able to confirm to Randy that the show was, indeed, American Idol.

Here are the Top 12 female performers in order of appearance on the show.

1. Tatynisa Wilson – “Only Girl In The World” Well she gets points for picking a current song, and a dancey one at that, but that’s all she’s gonna get. She tried to seem confident, but she looked in over her head. It’s not entirely her fault, as the Rihanna original features very liberal vocal processing, so it’s not unexpected that a crash-n-burn singer like Tatynisa would falter doing it live. Hell, if there was a Max Martin/Dr. Luke-themed night in the future, most of these contestants would choke like James Franco on chronic smoke.
2. Naima Adedapo – “Summertime” Her little hand motions that accompanied each of the lyrics seemed a little silly, but I’d do the same thing. I kind of like this loungy version. It’s more moldy cheese than fresh cheddar, but at least she broke away from the minimal version that tends to get trotted out every year. Her performance seemed cool and relaxed in a silly Richard Cheese way. I think Steven Tyler sums it up when he says “It’s a new old timey thing that can be new.” Yeah….
3. Kendra Chantelle/Campbell – “Impossible” Go back to being a fashion designer, Nicky Hilton. That or go be a puppeteer, because when you belt you sound like Elmo. Your vibrato will be your undoing. That or thinking you’re the next Alicia Keys.
4. Rachel Zevita – “Criminal” She also makes a lounge move, similar to Naima, but this comes off more like red hot Chicago Broadway. That she’s made up to look like Dita Von Teese just seals the deal. Too bad her singing was a little too thin and got swallowed up by the jazz arrangement. I give her kudos for taking on Fiona Apple (who got famous through her musical prowess, attitude, and willingness to challenge mid-90s pop-rock conventions, not her pipes) and trying to do something original. A for effort!
5. Karen Rodriguez – “Hero” OK, if your opening montage says the show needs more fire, then you sing a stale-ass early 90s Mariah Carey song, it’s a bit of a letdown. Also, if you take on the diva pantheon, you need to bring the noise! Poor song choice (high school talent show) and appalling dress choice (it made her look like a boxy blue rectangle). Neither was a good fit, even with the lyrics en Español. That was maybe the one notable part of the whole performance.
6. Lauren Turner – “Seven Day Fool” Well now I’m awake! I had never heard this song before, but this arrangement was upbeat and fun! Right off the bat, she separates herself from the competition by performing in her range. The few vocal runs played to her strength and her vocal similarity to Christina Aguilera, which actually fit the big brassy arrangement instead of being silly or outgunned. It was just really engaging.
7. Asthon Jones – “Love All Over Me” Her attitude right from the get go says “I AM AWESOME AND THE REST OF YOU ARE WEAKLINGS! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!” It’s a pity that she continues the Lite-FM trouble train that’s boring the shit out of me right now. That kind of music bored me back when I was 12 and still bores me now. She should try to be Kelly Rowland before trying to be Diana Ross (who Randy compares her to). It would be more enjoyable for everyone.
8. Julie Zorrilla – “Breakaway” I think her performance would have sounded better if she was mixed higher. It felt as though her voice was falling in with the backup singers too much. When she was singing without accompaniment she held her own, although her vibrato is not the Kelly Clarkson bazooka that would have put her over the top. Her track record of mad pretty dresses continues.
9. Haley Reinhart – “Fallin’” Predictably when she tried to take a vocal run 15 seconds into the song, she went into mumble mode. When she wasn’t mumbling, her voice had more cracks than the awkward teen on The Simpsons. She’s out of her league like Miley Cyrus in a Celine Dion impersonation contest and she needs to work on her facial expressions.
10. Thia Megia – “Out Here On My Own” At least they got her volume levels right. She sings a little lower than many of her peers, so she actually came out sounding kinda mature for her age. The arrangement was a little too high school talent show, but she kept it simple and did her thing very professional and very well, so props to her.
11. Lauren Alaina – “Turn On The Radio” Lauren turned out a solid country rock performance with decent belting. J.Lo called her performance effortless, but I’d call it coasting. Whatever, she’s the chosen one this season, so she’ll be protected at every turn until there’s no place to hide. At least she reintroduced Seacrest as “Peaches.”
12. Pia Toscano – “I’ll Stand By You” Now this is how to do a slow song and win! Her performance had control, passion, and power. There were runs, belting, held notes, looks and most of all, feeling! She’s no diva, she’s a pro! Ashthon’s reaction shot during the applause summarized the “oh fuck no” butterflies her competition must be feeling right now.

My Top 3 Performers

1. Lauren Turner
2. Pia Toscano
3. Rachel Zevita

Bottom 3 Performers

1. Haley Reinhart
2. Karen Rodriguez
3. Kendra Chantelle/Campbell

For a variety of reasons, this group resembled a bell curve: a few power performances, a few train wrecks, and the majority in the middle. Perhaps the theme weeks will separate the pros from the punks.

Thoughts On American Idol’s Top 24 Contestants

And we’re at the point in American Idol where I actually give a damn. Starting next week there will actually be enough contestants where I can keep track. Thank God for online voting. Also, despite the lowered age limits, only 1/3^rd of the top 24 are 20 or under. There are contestants I might love, hate, and snore through. For me, the best part of loving this show is hating this show.

8 Contestants I’ll Probably Root For

• Casey Abrams – I’m normally down on the white guys with instruments (since three have won the past three seasons), but Casey’s bluesy growl, irrepressible sense of humor (“I like looking at you guys”), unconventional instrument choices (upright bass!), and no-bullshit talent make this guy one to get excited, go crazy, and just plain rock the house! Kathy is rooting for him because of his resemblance to Kevin from Top Chef (“He was robbed! Robbed I tell you!”)
• Rachel Zevita – Her quirky fashion sense and super screech remind me of my season 9 fave Siobhan Magnus. She has the potential to display some range and she’s made a few tries at this, so having some experience under her belt could make her more of a pro. Let’s hope we see more of her grandmother. “Thank you and God bless you, Ryan.”
• Julie Zorrilla – She has a look and singing style reminiscent of Lea Michele. The judges criticized her for a lack of emotion in her performances, but if she nails her them with the charm she’s displayed so far that won’t matter.  Bonus: for every round she makes it through, we can look forward to seeing her rocking a new pretty dress.
• Jovany Barreto – This dude has some pipes and I like his classy style. He brings that classic charm of a late-90s latin pop singer or a 1950s Italian crooner. Hopefully he can do something lively.
• Jacob Lusk – His range and command of his voice make him incredibly fun to watch. He carries himself with a certain animated, fey quality; kind of like Cee Lo Green. He just needs to lay off the old-timey piano-driven slow songs and do something different, something exciting.
• Ashthon Jones – She can take on the Whitney Houston greats and come out swinging and was fun to watch in the group round. She seems confident and has a sense of fun about her.
• Jordan Dorsey – He’s a stern perfectionist with the talent and musicality to match. He seems very particular with everything he does, which could potentially lead to interesting arrangements during the theme weeks. He doesn’t seem fun to hang out with, but he’ll be fun to watch.
• Pia Toscano – She seems like a solid performer, and I agree with the judges that her takes on “Can’t Buy Me Love” and “Grenade” were fun and expertly arranged. She brings deliberateness to her performances, but you couldn’t tell at first glance. She looks like she’s having a good time.

8 Contestants Where I’m Either On The Fence Or Indifferent Towards

• Brett Loewenstern – At the start of the competition his mannerisms rubbed me the wrong way, but the way his bullying story was told highlights a rare androgyny among the contestants. His singing could go either way.
• Scotty McCreery – He’s a little awkward, and his reliance on that one Josh Turner song got annoying. I think he’s very talented, though I wonder how his roots-country style will translate to Idol’s pan-pop format. He’s too nice, too aw-shucks, and maybe that’s because he’s too young. He just needs to make it to country week and he’s got it made.
• Naima Adedapo – She didn’t really stick out to me, save for her janitor backstory and her tacky dress. She was ok singing.
• Karen Rodriguez – During the final evaluation, Lopez remarked that Karen disappeared in the middle of the many audition rounds. As such, I’ll hold off making a call until later.
• Robbie Rosen – His voice is fairly rich, albeit crackly, and he resembles a Jonas. Randy called him “unassuming,” and that low key nature has been proven a winning strategy over the last three seasons. I see him as pulling the teenybopper vote.
• Kendra Chantelle/Campbell – Holding her own with an Alicia Keyes song shows she has the R&B chops. She’s pretty, but doesn’t seem to have much of a personality. Might be Nicky Hilton in disguise. Has a “first name as last name” the way a stripper might.
• Lauren Turner – I don’t really have much to say for her. She didn’t stand out for me during the past few rounds and her hangar performance was pitchy and uneven.
• Stefano Langone – Same thing as Lauren Turner – not a lot of screen time since the auditions, so I can’t make a call.

8 Contestants I Don’t Expect To Root For Or Am Actively Rooting Against

• Clint Jun Gamboa: He has a decent backstory, singing talent and music taste, but dude was a dick in Hollywood week. He might make a good villain this season. Or he might pull an Anoop Desai and crank out boring R&B song after boring R&B song in a carnival of blown potential.
• Haley Reinhart – During her performances, she has been all over the place. She seems solid enough at low volumes, but when she belts her voice takes on a weird, slurly growl that’s as unintelligible as the late Kurt Cobain. Watching her night after night could be a frustrating experience.
• Thia Megia – Her twee vibe and her age will net her the parents’ votes, but her voice is too green. She needs to get more experience and get her chops.
• Paul McDonald – His stoner mannerisms and weird little tics had him come across like Gollum during the Beatles round. He sings like James Blunt, and that’s not a complement. I’m tired of these white guys with acoustic guitars winning the prize. At least he’s a blonde.
• Tatynisa Wilson – Her singing has been very “crash and burn” recently, and her relative lack of talent only makes it in through the judges’ producer-ordained niceness. She needs to hone her craft more.
• Tim Halperin – Another singer-songwriter whose talent and sleepy singing come off like Ryan Tedder, a man responsible for a lot what I feel is wrong with pop music today. At least he’s a solid singer. I wish he had more of an ego so it would make it easier for me to love to hate him.
• Lauren Alaina – What the fuck was up with that Toddlers & Tiaras getup she wore to the sitdown? I know she’s this season’s chosen one, but her performance style and song choices seem too middle school recital (she is 16 after all). Her whole gimmick seems to be the Katy Perry “tee hee, aren’t I cute?” schtick.
• James Durbin – Adam Lambert without the fun or sex. Replace fun and sex with a super sad story and an untested bleating. The producers have made this guy out to be the next Adam Lambert, but this guy has no subversion, no open challenge to the show’s conventions (remember Lambert’s performance of “Ring of Fire”) and no sense of dramatic subtlety (remember Lambert’s performance of “Mad World”). Cry me a river, asshole.