Thoughts On American Idol Top 5: Elimination

May 5, 2011

Status Quo’s blue leather jacket was square in 1985. J.Lo’s cocaine sweater and shiny clown skort are all kinds of fashion fail. Steven Tyler looks like I would expect him to.

According to Seacrest, auditions for next season are still on, so this show isn’t going down despite looming threats from The Voice and the forthcoming X-Factor. Beat it into the ground, Fox, beat it into the ground.

There’s a group performance….

It’s “So Happy Together!”

Despite the number of voices, there’s no richness anywhere. Everyone’s singing off-key and over each other like a middle each assembly. And the bridge where they were all singing the backup part? That might have been planned but it sounded sloppy. Did they even practice? What a shit show!

Ford Music Video – “Be Yourself”

That was the worst CGI this side of an Asylum movie, and I’m proud to say I’ve seen both Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus AND Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes.

American Idol vs. Hell’s Kitchen

The contestants have to cook omelets for Gordon Ramsay. Haley, James and Scotty fail (and fail spectacularly in Scotty’s case.) Lauren and Jacob succeed. I wish Gordon Ramsay was a judge.

Lady Antebellum – “Just A Kiss”

I have a problem with the name of this band. “Let’s name ourselves after an era when it was ok to own people!” Was Lady Reconstruction taken? This must be their crossover hit, because I don’t hear a lot of country here. The beats are ok and the contestants could take a lesson on how to harmonize from the dual lead singers, but the total package leaves something wanting. It fails to distinguish itself from the bajillion other ballads out there. Zzzzzzz….

Bing Commercial / Behind The Scenes

I hope that these contestants don’t pick their songs and outfits, lest what little faith I have in them dissipates like so much exhaust from my car. Also, Haley totally should cover “The Thong Song.”

American Idol vs. Hell’s Kitchen Part 2

Jacob and Lauren must do a blind taste test. Lauren wins 2:1 and Jacob spits up his tofu. What a wuss! Come on Ramsay, be a judge on Idol. You’d be so hot tempered and mean. And also British! If Fox has you doing this shit on TV, your shows can’t be doing that well….

Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull – “On The Floor”

No! No harem pants! Her sparkling WWE disco outfit would be cute if she was wearing normal pants. The music is super catchy and sounds like it would be fun to dance to. About halfway in the whole thing stops for a jarring dubstep breakdown, but then Pitbull comes in and saves the whole thing. Pitbull has a great sound to his voice and his playful, rapid fire flow was built for house music. As for J.Lo, she may not be singing live, but she did all that dancing and then did windsprints up those steps in heels. Performance is in the middle, but the song is super fun!

Bottom 2 (Announced after 5 silly-to-reasonable criticisms from Iovine, a few premature sound effect hits from a twitchy sound board operator, and the sad fact that Scotty has never been in the bottom 3)

  1. Lauren Alaina (I’m tired of her calculated antics! Go back to school!)
  2. Jacob Lusk (He had his chance to be interesting and all he could muster was awkward….)

Jacob is out! Early on I thought he had potential with his powerful voice, quirky attitude, and full power dandyism. Then he just sang a bunch of boring old R&B and gospel numbers. Even when he tried to do something kind of uptempo, he still came off as preachy and saccharine. He quickly wore out his welcome thanks to his terrible taste. Now he can go be the next Ruben Studdard and join the actual Ruben Studdard in the unemployment line.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: