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Thoughts On American Idol Top 9: Elimination

April 7, 2011

Fashion Notes

Satin pants are never a good idea, J.Lo, especially worn high-waisted like an old person stereotype.

There’s a group performance….

It’s A Rock Medley!

I Love Rock N Roll + The Letter + Sweet Home Alabama

Impressions:

  • It’s a fashion massacre up on the stage! Lauren was in some “fashionable granny” getup, Haley was rocking the acid-washed 90210 (first edition) reject look, and all the guys except Jacob were dressed in bad combinations of black and brown. It’s like a first-generation Xbox 360 game.
  • The guys sang ok. Since none of the guys in the top 13 have been eliminated (again, REALLY UNEASY ABOUT THAT), they have to share the mic time so none of them had a chance to really fuck things up.
  • Meanwhile Pia is the only woman on stage who can belt worth a damn. Lauren and Haley (especially Haley) sounded thin and unsubstantial.
  • The ending “Sweet Home Alabama” + “I Love Rock N Roll” mashup seemed forced to me, but in the end it all kind of fit together.

Ford music video “Love Gun”

Casey is a janitor and Jacob is sleeping on the job. Let’s hope this isn’t a prediction of the future.

Russell Brand’s “Stage Presence Lessons”

The whole thing felt like any time on British Office when David Brent gave a motivational speech: it was full of bad advice and hammy mugging. Why is James asking this guy for tips on rock moves? The highlight of the clip was Brand taking Jacob and Pia offstage to play judges. I think a judging panel consisting of Jacob, Pia, and Russell Brand would be immensely preferable to the tacky triumvirate we have right now.

Constantine Maroulis – “Unchained Melody”

I think for this performance Constantine wanted to be Michael Hutchence but came across as Kenny G, charisma-wise. His voice apparently has two settings: flat and blaring. No wonder he lost! I see who James takes his flailing vocal cues from. The heavier arrangement of this Righteous Brothers classic isn’t too bad. I liked the big drums and the guitar tones. Musically it was like an above-average 80s power ballad but all in all it was a colossal failure, mostly due to Constantine’s singing. Congrats on your kid but go back to Broadway, you loser.

Tale Of The Tape: The Gwen Stefani Idol Hot Mess of 2011

Is Gwen Stefani a Sick Sad Stylist? Maybe not. Based on what footage was shown, she had decent initial picks for the women to wear for last night’s show. However, the contestants hesitated and ultimately picked their own clothes. Let me just say that the contestants dressed themselves like Ralph Wiggum dresses himself. Eh, they have terrible tastes in music. It’s fitting that they have craptacular fashion senses as well.

Idol Goes To TMZ

Don’t get arrested, Stefano! Also, Harvey Levin stands on a box!

Bottom 3 (Announced in 2 rounds)

  1. Stefano Langone (Everyone forgot he was a contestant)
  2. Pia Toscano (Are you a woman? Go to the stools!)
  3. Jacob Lusk (I didn’t care for his performance last night but COME ON!)

Iggy Pop – “Real Wild Child”

Michigan represent! Iggy prances and shimmies all over the stage (and he’s still in peak physical form to boot), dances with Haley, picks on the judges, and uses the mic as a phallus – basically Iggy being Iggy. He’s more talking loudly than singing but he still sounds better than Constantine. Rock on!

Final results

The fakeout elimination with Jacob seemed especially mean tonight! You’re a jerk, Ryan Seacrest!

Pia is out! She is the fifth woman in a row to be eliminated on this show. None of the men have been eliminated. What kind of bullshit is this? The judges recognize Pia’s talent and are justifiably pissed off. I’m pissed off too. Pia was one of the most talented singers in the competition. She had some poor song choices and veered a little too close to Celine Dion circa 1997 for my tastes, but she had power and style and she was just starting to get really good! I have one fewer person to root for. You fucked up, Idol audience. You fucked up big.

 

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